I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
