i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
