My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
