everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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