you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
