I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
