i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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