I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
