New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Why is your signature on my underwear?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
