he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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