I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
