we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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