you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
