My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
