I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
