Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
