I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
