Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
