Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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