3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
