I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
