he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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