as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
