I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
