he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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