totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
