mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
