i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
