I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
