my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
