shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
