sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
