Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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