my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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