Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
