so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
