I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
