I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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