somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
