now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
