Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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