Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm always down for nudity.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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