3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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