Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
