apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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