There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
