I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
