The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
