Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
