Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
