Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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